Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you're a woman now.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone's guess.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it's the one where everything comes together in the end.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn't Really Know What He's Doing Killer.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear's ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you'll let go of that honey.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.